Up All Night— Am I Doing This Right?

I took this photo of myself at approximately 6:00 a.m. Wednesday morning. I had been begrudgingly awake for about an hour. As evidenced by my darker-than-normal dark circles, I had not gotten a lot of sleep. This isn’t news. I’m bad at sleeping. It’s just a fact. Some people can’t dance, others can’t cook; I can’t sleep. I didn’t sleep through the night until I was five years-old; insomnia during middle school made the entire puberty thing worse; and my motto in college was “I’ll sleep when I graduate.” But now I’ve graduated and sleeping is still a struggle.

I very rarely sleep through the night. I wake up at three, or four, or five; flip over, and lie in the darkness until I get bored enough to go back to sleep. But every so often, sleep refuses to come back to me. So, inspired by “4 A.M. Worries” in Mindy Kaling’s Why Not Me?, I’ve decided to share an abridged list of the thoughts that really keep me up at night (if you really want to hear this in my voice, throw in some “goddamn”s where it feels right):

  • Will I be able to handle watching my parents age?
  • What are the Teen Mom moms up to?
  • I could/should be productive right now.
  • Lol how did I not know I was an anxious hot mess for so long.
  • This heartburn is actually going to make me throw up.
  • Sooooo are we really just pretending that the planet is not gonna be completely fucked by 2030?
  • I know that no one knows what they’re doing, but I really don’t know what I’m doing.
  • How do people flirt?
  • I shouldn’t waste so much brain space on my lack of a love life.
  • Oh shit. I‘m for real just out here with no job.
  • Does my roommate secretly hate me?
  • Are these real fears or anxiety fears?
  • I used to be a sane person with plans for the future.
  • Maybe if I try to name all of the Duggars, I will drift off to sleep.
    • Why can I name 95% of the Duggars?
  • I don’t call my grandparents enough.
  • I’ll probably never get the opportunity to grow old.
  • Would I know if my friends weren’t okay?
  • I spend too much money.
  • Andy Samberg is woke bae of the day
  • I should’ve flossed
  • I should be more financially literate.
  • How many of my shitty personality traits can I blame on my parents?
  • Where’s the key to the mailbox?
  • I Insta stalked [acquaintance from college] and I’m jealous as hell. How does she have it figured it out?
  • I saw [acquaintance from college]’s Instagram and she seems like she understands this post-grad struggle.
  • Humans are kind of trash.
  • I could never interview Beyoncé. I’d be too star struck.



One Comment Add yours

  1. Charlene says:

    I am a poor sleeper as well. I think we all have random thoughts.
    I wonder if I’ll be able to lose this weight…probably not. There is just too much food to enjoy.

    I wonder which one of my sisters would give me a kidney. Would I give one of my sisters one…


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