Playing Tough —Am I Doing This Right?

It’s not a secret that I’m a hot mess. I share it online (soon-to-be) weekly. Although I thought I was pretty good at hiding all of my falling apartness from the people around me. Apparently not.

I’m lucky to have lots of loving friends and family in my life. But not everyone gets the same share of Brandi’s Emotional Pie. My mom gets the biggest piece. Always. From there it varies, based on who has what going on in their lives. As much as I love taking up space in the world, I’m quite paranoid about being an emotional burden on my loved ones. Except with my parents. They made me this way; they chose this life.

But apparently my friends are astute. Or my poker face is trash. For Christmas my lovely roommate got me four gifts: a miniature waffle maker, a pickle cookbook, Becoming by Michelle Obama, and an 8×10 poster featuring options A,B, and C. I love all of my gifts. The poster made me cry.

I guess if I didn’t want my roommate to know how moving I found the poster, I shouldn’t have cried when we saw it at the art market weeks ago. In my defense, how was I supposed to know people would notice me crying? I cry all the time; it’s rarely newsworthy. But I’m happy my roommate clocked my tears. I love my poster. It just makes me feel so…seen.

This post-grad life has been hard. Most of the time, I don’t know what to do or how to do it. But if 13 years in the American public school system taught me anything, it’s how to take a multiple-choice test:

Option A: Short and sweet is often correct, but it doesn’t make sense to quit everything (mostly because I don’t know what “everything” is).

Option B: Continuing at these levels of stress and anxiety might actually kill me, so that can’t be right.

Option C: Breathing is generally the goal, it’s why inhalers are good and anxiety attacks are bad. Plus, brunch has yet to lead me wrong. Option C it is.

What about you? What little mantras get you through? Do you play tough, or let everyone know when you’re having a hot mess moment? Comment below to let me know!

3 Comments Add yours

  1. Solea Rodriguez says:

    I love you! I love reading your posts because I can hear your voice in my head and it brings me a little closer to you. What is starting to get me through is candles! I burn them all the time, they help me feel warm and cozy, regardless the weather. Miss you! Also, a Pickle cookbook?!?!?! LOVE IT.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Charlene says:

    I let very few people know. I try to keep it a secret. Even if I drive around in the car and cry. I got you.

    Liked by 1 person

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